In a strange turn of events, a coalition of African leaders have pledged their full financial support to Kanye West. The heads of state from Nigeria, Kenya, Uganda and others have set up the West Talent Fund to help Kanye in his time of need. A Nigerian official was quoted as saying “Kanye is right, we don’t need any more schools. It’s time to start giving back to the less fortunate.” In a surprise Monday morning press-conference numerous African heads of state declared their intent to begin aid shipments to Kanye. “We have enough education what we really need are Yeezy Boosts and maybe a collaboration with Bieber.” Kanye declined to meet with the African leaders and instead tagged them in a series of tweets saying “I am so humble. Subscribe to TIDAL. #Nigeria” The coalition of African states were pleased to announce to the world that the high number of likes on their Facebook pages had led to the elimination of child poverty as well as malaria and if Kanye could make Nigeria start trending on Twitter then the high number of re-tweets would also provide clean drinking water to everyone with a TIDAL subscription. Security analysts were skeptical that aid shipments would actually reach Kanye due to the high levels of Piracy off the African coast, but Kayne’s legal team is considering taking action against these pirates. When asked about his plans for how to secure his new funding source, Kanye’s team sent a detailed plan of action report stating “I AM JESUS.” The international stage is now set for Kanye to become the ruler of all mankind.
The president of the entire music industry Ari Goldbergmansack released a press release stating that Action Bronson will no longer be allowed to perform/record/release or even freestyle ever again. The ban comes swiftly after a gang of pseudo left wing sexually ambiguous lesbian igloo builders spent 5 minutes writing a petition to ban Action from the industry. The petition quickly got 4 hundred million signatures within a matter of seconds due to the free publicity from some famous people who claim to care about shit.
What is interesting to note is that the lyrics that Mr.Bronson rapped on the record “I don’t give a shit what you think and I say dumb shit to offend people cause ya’ll are pussies” were indeed penned by a ghost writer by the name of “MC controversial”. Due to the nature of this ongoing saga Actions’s lawyer Mr. Lagerfallsviewcasino told us that Mr. Bronson will be enjoying the day with his 16 children while contributing to the community housing program ” Action takes Action against in-action of affordable housing”. His neighbor Fred Papalingunio speaks highly of Bronson stating
“he always picked up the garbage after the raccoon’s got into it. My back hurts so it was very helpful.”
We got in touch with the seller to find out not only had he got an offer for the flyers but another potential buyer had contacted him and offered more than asking. This turned into an all out bidding war and the price has sky-rocketed to over $5000. This certainly doesn’t beat the petrified dog shit that looked like Helen Keller in 2004 that went for over $50,000 but for a bunch of glossy paper this is quite something.
Only in Toronto where the rave scene has such a deep penetrating history would something like this take place.
Roland Corporation has announced a new drum machine that is reported to have the exact same innards of the 20 plus year old TR-808. Instead of adding any new functionality to the device they decided to ride on the coat-tails of the success of the original and not innovate whatsoever. This is said to have been decided by the board of directors who have been following the trap movement. Trap musik is produced using mostly 808 drum kit sounds and obscene amounts of snare and hi-hat rolls.
A spokesperson at Roland Corp Mr. Jun-ichi Miki was quoted saying:
“We at Roland have completely run out of innovative ideas so we have decided to just rehash our old classic TR-808 since its soundset is currently popular. To create this product we took an old 808 and copied the circuitry and put it in a new fancy futuristic case. We did very little product testing and no improvements whatsoever so we should have the new Aira TR-08 out in the 3rd quarter of 2014.”
Well there you have it, i’m sure this product is going to fly off the shelves just based on these specs. We look forward to giving you a full review of this machine as soon as we get our hands on it.
Action Bronson a well known rapper from New York City has left a 19 year old girl paralyzed after dropping her off the stage. The girl Samantha Roberts had agreed to be picked up during one of his hit songs in which he puts a young woman around his neck as though she is a piece of Mink fur (See link below). Mr.Bronson proceeds to rap while hitting the young girls butt cheeks and grabbing at her chest. During this particular act he misjudged his step and Ms.Roberts fell on the concrete in the front of the stage. Bronson did not cease to perform instead continued his song without skipping a beat assuming that Ms.Roberts would be ok.